Okay…brace yourselves, those of you who read this because I don’t know if it will be coherent or anything, but I need to ramble to try and figure out what’s bothering me…Though I’m pretty sure I know at least part of it…

I don’t even know where to start…maybe with the fact that I’ve decided where I’m going to college next fall. It all started out as a miscommunication, but I think it turned out all right. When I told my parents that I had my top three narrowed down so I was going to send off a deposit to my number one school they pretty much took that as me saying that’s where I’m going…which it wasn’t, at the time…though that is where I want to go and all, it just feels really weird to have made the decision. I don’t know how to explain it…all I know is the fact that I’m all decided and junk scares the crap out of me…I mean…one of my cousins will be going to school close to there and one of my other cousins works right by the campus, so there will be people down there…and stuff…And my family is all really excited and everything. It just feels weird and it honestly scares the crap out of me. But that’s really not what’s eating away at me now, I think…

I miss my friends…when it comes right down to it, I miss my friends like hell. It only took until Thanksgiving for me to have my first real breakdown about it, but here we have it…I miss Rhonda and Mary and Roxy…I mean, I’ve been on the go enough that I haven’t really had to think about it too much, but now that I have something of a break and I’m not constantly with the friends that I do still see on a regular basis…Distraction’s gone. I mean…I talk to them often enough and all, but it’s not the same…and I can’t help but feel weird when I call them because I have no idea what to say…and there’s the college-high school gap there that makes things kind of weird. I knew things wouldn’t be the same and I’m coping okay…it’s just so hard when I think back to past breaks where we were on the go everyday and there was always something to do…no room to feel unwanted or not needed…there was no room for doubt…it was this is what everyone was doing and of course you’re invited now get your ass over here and stop whining…We all understood each other. Not that my friends now don’t understand me…but when you’re down to two close friends that you see on a regular basis and you only really hang out with one of them outside of school…It’s just so different…I’m not as sure of myself anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I just feel so different and I miss them so much…I feel like a different person without them there…and I don’t really like this new person that I’ve become. I don’t like feeling this insecure and such…I miss having a decent sized tight group of friends…but that takes a while to build and by the time I’d rebuild one…I’d be leaving…and quite honestly, though it makes me sound like a two year old…I don’t want new ones…I miss the old ones. I can’t find a new Rhonda or a new Roxy or Mary…it just won’t happen. I know that Rhonda’s coming home soon and that I’ll see her then…and we’ll all hang out…but I wonder…is it going to be just like old times, or will it be different? Have we already changed that much? Or if it is just like old times…can I handle getting back together for a few weeks, then going our separate ways again?…I don’t know…and I know I worry too much…but my friends were always my rock…they were always there for me and hanging out wherever the designated spot for the day turned out to be was like a home away from home for me…or more like I home away from hell, seeing as time spent in my house it usually less than pleasant…But here I am…sitting in my basement…no one here but my grandma and the dog and I feel like a stranger in my own house…unwelcome and unwanted. Over dramatic? Yah…I know I’m being over dramatic…and I know that as soon as I have this all committed to paper I’ll start to feel better and probably move past it…but I do miss my little family something terrible…and I know I’m different without them here. I don’t know if I like it yet…

Anyway…I promise art soon. I have a lot of art done, it’s just all at school or something because my art teacher likes to horde it. I do have a couple things I can bring home that I’ll get scans of as soon as I possibly can. Cheers.